MONDAY LAUGHS

[Strommer]

Well, it is only 2½ hours until Monday, so I thought I would get in early... hoping it is OK with Billy. :p

{Be sure to read down to the last line.}

====================

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED; FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

[Altec_]

I'll be blaming a large number of open source developers :) (and Linus Torvalds)

[Strommer]

Clerk Laughs Away Robber in Pluto Mask

Strange News - AP

CRANBERRY, Pa. - The would-be robber wanted to inspire fear, but his choice of a Disney character mask to conceal his features provoked only giggles from a convenience store clerk.

Cranberry police said a clerk at Gordon's Mini Market burst into laughter when the person wearing a Pluto mask walked into the store about 9:45 p.m. Tuesday.

The clerk was laughing so hard he didn't comply with the robber's demand to turn over the cash register money — so the frustrated robber left the store, police said.

Police Sgt. Dave Kovach said the clerk's response was ill-advised and dangerous, even if it foiled the robbery.

"Pluto could have been a strung-out heroin addict," Kovach said. "You never know."

Pluto drove away in a car, but not before the clerk noticed that he was 6-foot-2 and appeared to be white under the mask. Police believe he's about 20 years old and weighs about 170 pounds.

[Cicero]

Subject: The weird English language



This might help understand why some people get frustrated.






If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:



1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.



English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.



Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea or is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?



If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?



One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?



How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.



English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.



P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

[smithie 38]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees and object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a Tax Revenue ID badge and a dull grey dress. There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

Well, cowboy," says the genie.... "You know how I work. You have three wishes".
"I'm not falling for this" says the man."I'm not going to trust a Tax Revenue auditor genie".
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!!!!!!!

:D

[Cicero]

Here are some testimonials.....



Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[godfather]

The ultimate time saving gift for your wife.

http://sal.neoburn.net/imagef1/files/ride-on_mower.jpg

[Strommer]

From: Letters to the Editor,
New Scientist magazine, 18 Sept 2004

Beware Tidy Minds

You observe that "messy homes lead to messy minds" (28 August p 15).
For many years I was employed as a research scientist for a multinational
company, during which time I had to deal with a variety of ‘high-ups’. All
the researchers knew what to expect by the state of their offices: those
with tidy offices had tidy minds, managed everything, had everything in its
place as beloved by administrators, and couldn’t recognise a new idea if
it got up and bit them.

[Cicero]

The ultimate time saving gift for your wife.

http://sal.neoburn.net/imagef1/files/ride-on_mower.jpg
I am sure your wife was impressed,poor thing.

[TonyF]

Three people got into a lift - the perfect man, the perfect woman and superman. Looking down they saw a $50 note on the floor.
Who do you think picked it up?

It was the perfect woman of course. The other two dont exist.

[E|im]

Chilli cookoff (http://www.aarons-jokes.com/joke-5455.shtml)

[Laura]

Yay, Tony
For that delightful one, this branch of the sisterhood awards you one free blonde joke (provided it's a goodie)

[Jamuz]

No Spikka Inglish..........
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'"

[personthingy]

From: Letters to the Editor,
New Scientist magazine, 18 Sept 2004

Beware Tidy Minds

You observe that "messy homes lead to messy minds" (28 August p 15).
For many years I was employed as a research scientist for a multinational
company, during which time I had to deal with a variety of ‘high-ups’. All
the researchers knew what to expect by the state of their offices: those
with tidy offices had tidy minds, managed everything, had everything in its
place as beloved by administrators, and couldn’t recognise a new idea if
it got up and bit them.And i always said i had a creative mind......

Steve_L, I hope you don't mind, but i just sent copies of the above to my messier friends, with the subject "your excuse", and then realised that each recipient was either artist or musician!
:D

[FoxyMX]

Chilli cookoff (http://www.aarons-jokes.com/joke-5455.shtml)
As a chilli fan with a nasty addiction to the stuff I loved that one. Thanks E|im. :D

[FoxyMX]

One for Winston....


Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.....

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand.

The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

:D

[FoxyMX]

And one for the boys....


New Invention !!

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the **** out of him.

:eek:

[sarel]

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television...and later to the remote control.

I thought this was quite good

sarel

[Winston001]

Guess I'd better join in:

The local Salvation Army office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through the Salvation Army ?"

The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off. "Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The lawyer then says "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

[Strommer]

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management
technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is
that it really works....

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the World".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See! You're smiling already.

[Strommer]

Arithmetic

Something to ponder . . .

5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
- 4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
-------
= 1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food

[Strommer]

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.





In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[TonyF]

A blonde is driving down the Motorway when her husband phones her and says 'beware, just heard on the radio a car is going the wrong way on the Motorway. The blonde replies, 'its not just one, there's dozens of them'!

[Laura]

Tony:
Is that the best you can do?

(Certainly not good enough for your current dispensation for a free blonde joke - but maybe you weren't cashing that in just yet?).

It's not only too old a joke, but mostly when I hear that one, it's a male driving - not a blonde.
It was even used on a TV commercial.

Try again next week...

[Edward]

oh Laura, it's all in good fun :D

[TonyF]

OK Laura - I'll get back under my stone... I had not heard it before, which comes from living in the wrong dimension sometimes...
Tony

[Laura]

Oh dear, Edward.
Please don't take me seriously.
I assure you it was written with a smile (Must remember to use the wee faces, eh?)
So this is for you, Tony..
:) :) :) :)

[Cicero]

Oh dear, Edward.
Please don't take me seriously.
I assure you it was written with a smile (Must remember to use the wee faces, eh?)
So this is for you, Tony..
:) :) :) :)
Very sensitive lad is our Edward. ;)

[TonyF]

Oh dear, Edward.


So this is for you, Tony..


Thanks Laura. Maybe we all have some communication problems (g), but among long-marrieds it developes into a special form. Example :-

He calls out " Where did you put the whatnot ?"

She (not a blonde) calls back "It's on top of the thing .."

And they both know exactly what they are referring to ....

Cheers Tony

[Laura]

Now that reminds me, Tony, of my Selwynism.

It's called that in this household because (the retired) Selwyn Toogood's version was the first I heard - though there've been others since.

Earnest questioner:"Do you believe in the hereafter?"

Selwyn: "Indeed, yes. Nowadays I think of it practically every day. It's happening more & more."

Questioner (sensing a convert) "Oh, that's wonderful."

Selwyn: "It keeps happening when I walk into another room. Then I stop & have to ask myself: ' Now what am I here after?'"

So "I'm just doing a Selwyn" needs no interpretation here...

[Cicero]

A man and his wife were having difficulties with their memory. A relative gave them the name of a doctor who was reputed to have great success in helping people with memory problems. They decided to go. A few weeks later they were chatting with a friend about this, and told him it was working.
The man said he was having problems with his memory also, and asked for the name of the doctor.

The husband said, "You'll have to help me here a little with my memory technique. Uh, let's see, a flower, long stem, uh, thorns....."

"Rose," the man guessed.

"That's it," the husband said, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that doctor?"